Post by ckret2 on Jun 9, 2008 12:45:56 GMT -5
(Because I don't feel like doing a normal bio, I decided to write it like a report from XR's point of view. Then it got really long. If you'd like, treat it like a fanfic. I had fun writing it and I hope you have fun reading it.)
Project Assessment of:
E. D. D. A. P.
Experimental Drone Double Agent Project
(A. K. A. Eddie P.)
Background to E. D. D. A. P.
Okay, first things first, everyone knows Hornets are worthless, right? Right. I mean, who are we kidding, trying to make something useful out of a Hornet? Am I the only one who sees something really wrong in this? Yeah, yeah, I've got to write the report anyway, so here goes. The first REAL battle you put that Hornet in, it'll be blown to smithereens in half the time it takes for me to write this, but who am I to question the oh-so-questionable wisdom of my superiors?
EDDAP is a project the LGMs have wanted to do for a long time now, or so they say. Apparently, they're impressed by the way Zurg can mass-produce all those Hornets; with the rate they're destroyed (a fair percentage of them being blown up by yours truly), the LMGs say Zurg must be putting out thousands a week. Considering that they're robots equipped for battle that even come with (barely) enough AI to follow voice commands, that's pretty impressive. I mean, producing thousands of cereal boxes is one thing, robots are a completely different product.
So the LGMs have been wanting to reverse-engineer a Hornet, to see how they can be produced so quickly and cheaply. (The net worth of Zurg's "empire" is about 3,496 Unibucks, or less than all of Star Command spends on electricity in a week; apparently Planet Z is solar-powered and Zurg steals the rest of his supplies.) They also wanted to see whether Star Command could produce Space Ranger Hornet knock-offs. I'm officially down on the record for saying it's a dumb idea. They aren't very useful for Zurg, why should they be any more useful for us? I repeat: Hornets = worthless.
In fact, that's the reason it's taken the LGMs this long to start EDDAP: they couldn't reverse-engineer a Hornet because they couldn't get their hands on a whole one. They're very delicate little chunks of laser fodder. Plus, Zurg's got some kind of mechanism installed in them so that if (well, when) a Hornet is destroyed, half its internal workings self-destruct. The circuitry, the CPU, the power core, all pulverized. How unlike Zurg, to NOT wave around all the details of one of his weapons.
Unfortunately, I was the one to give the first, last, and hopefully only fully-functional Hornet to the LGMs. See, there was this battle (big surprise) and there was a swarm of Hornets (another surprise) and I was basically kicking robot tush out there. Or, well, shooting robot tush. And maybe Mira and Buzz and Booster helped some, too. Anyway, the point is I somehow hit one indirectly, and just nicked its fuel canister, so it leaked out all its fuel and went off-line. When the rest had been destroyed, that one whole Hornet sitting in a pile of Hornet pieces was pretty conspicuous, so Buzz told Booster to load the thing onto 42. It seems Buzz knew about EDDAP. So the LGMs got their robot carcass to experiment on, and here we are.
Purpose of E. D. D. A. P.
The purpose, like I said, is to have a mass-produced force of robotic Space Rangers, based off of Zurg's Hornets. Except built a little bit better, so they aren't blown up quite as easily. As my existence indicates, the LGMs really want some robo-Rangers. In fact, the only reason they built me and XL was because they didn't have a Hornet yet; if they'd gotten one earlier, they'd have gone ahead with EDDAP and never bothered with the Experimental Ranger program, AKA me. So it's a good thing they never got started with their dumb EDDAP idea, right? Right?
Why am I asking a report if I'm right? I'm sick of this report. And if I wasn't already in trouble for that little fire in the women's room I'd just give up on it now. (Sorry about your hair, Mira.)
Long story short, the LGMs wanted mindless robot Rangers. After they got me, they still wanted that "mindless" part, and that's where Eddie comes in.
Description of E. D. D. A. P.
First of all, Eddie P. doesn't live up to his title at all. He's experimental, all right, and he's a drone, but the "double agent" part's gonna be tricky. The LGMs' first idea was to make exact Hornet duplicates, with programming to follow Star Commands' orders and not Zurg's, and send them to Planet Z as espionage robots. As you can tell from the lovely paint job they gave Eddie, that's not going to work well:
Yeah. No way Zurg's gonna think that's one of his loyal drones.
Eddie's basically the same as any other Hornet out there, with the exception of a few alterations. First and most importantly, the LGMs reprogrammed him to be loyal to the good guys and not the bad guys. According to them, all they needed to do was take the very first 0 in Eddie's binary programming and switch it to a 1, and presto! A good Hornet. (Or, as the LGMs put it, "Reveeerse the polaaarity." Which is about as clear as coal, huh?) Then, they added a supplementary chip to his CPU, the same chip they put in me to make me the wonderful super-robot Ranger that I am: a chip that gives a robot the AI necessary to learn, grow, and develop a personality. Basically, the potential to be smart. I'm hoping that the sheer stupidity radiating from Eddie's main CPU will have a deadly anti-matter reaction with his new smart chip. It would just save us from wasting a little time and a lot of fuel on him.
The other big change the LGMs made was to replace Eddie's weapons with standard Space Ranger lasers, and to strip his armor, create a mold of it, and give him shiny new terillium carbonic alloy armor. I don't know how they got the old armor off and the new armor on without setting off his internal self-destruct. The result is a slightly more durable but still pretty flimsy Hornet with lasers about four times as strong as his old ones.
Strengths of E. D. D. A. P.
Strengths? The only strength he's got going for him is an astounding lucky streak, and I most sincerely hope I used most of his luck up when I accidentally drained his fuel instead of turning him into scrap metal. He's a Hornet. He's suicidally obedient; you say "Jump," he won't even ask "How high?" before turning his thrusters on max. He's a better shot than other Hornets, so he can shoot a target dead center; unfortunately, he hasn't mastered the concept of "friendly fire," so don't expect him to adjust his aim just because you're between him and the target. He's got absolutely no personality and the LGMs haven't even figured out where to put a vocalizer in him yet, so he can't talk.
Okay, fine, I guess those are sorta strengths. Loyalty, good shot, no emotional baggage, and a mean poker face if he ever learns how to do something as complicated as play poker. And he's got his terillium carbonic alloy, too. In fact, I went to the trouble of proving myself that his armor could hold up to standard laser firepower. That's how the fire in the restroom got started.
("Restrooms are off-limits to robots, XR," you say. "That means both the men's room and ESPECIALLY the women's room," you say. "You and I both know that Hornet never would have been in there if you hadn't talked it into going with you," you say. "I don't care what your story is, it did NOT lure you in there and there's NO WAY it attacked you first," you say. "Don't you tell me 'Eddie's a traitor and went back to Zurg's side,' we caught you on camera telling the Hornet there was a Star-Mart in the first stall," you say. "You're lucky I don't order the LGMs to disassemble you and turn you into a toaster for shooting at a fellow Ranger," you say. "Maybe if you have to write the project assessment on that Hornet, you'll get to like it better!" you say. Well, excuuuse me for being useful and trying to make sure my "fellow Ranger" could stand up to combat conditions. What's my reward? This report. Thanks a lot, Dad.)
But forget Eddie's armor. He's still useless. Look, if you want a good robot Ranger, you don't really need all that blind loyalty and a perfect shot and crystal-clear objectivity, do you? It takes more than that to be a Space Ranger. And I've already got what it takes. I'm a great Ranger without any of that stuff. Remember?
Weaknesses of E. D. D. A. P.
FINALLY. The only important part of this whole stupid report. I'm sure I could write two gigs about all the ways Eddie's completely unqualified to be a Space Ranger, but I'll try to keep this brief. I'll stick to three points.
First, the complete and utter lack of anything resembling intelligence. This morning, I kid you not, I caught him with a mop, a pair of scissors, and a roll of duct tape, with all the strings of the mop cut off, tying to tape them back together. Then (here's the kicker) when he saw me, he tried to stand up, and he couldn't because he'd somehow taped one of his legs to his chest. I promise, I am not making this up, Booster saw it too, ask him. And remember his first mission, when he was stuck working with Team Lightyear. He couldn't even be cannon fodder for us because he got stuck inside Star Cruiser 42 and couldn't figure out how to open the door. Talk about useless, am I right?
Second, his literally crippling structural defects. Think about it: sure, he's got terillium carbonic alloy, but so do I, and I get blown up all the time, don't I? (That's not my fault, I should add.) Hornets aren't put together as well; they blow up even easier than me. The problem is, they aren't built to be put back together, like I am. The LGMs couldn't find a way to disable Zurg's self-destruct mechanism. It's completely wired into Eddie's internal structure. If he starts losing limbs or, heck, if he's just knocked around too hard, that'll trigger his self-destruct, and that's the end of Eddie P. There are some things in a robot that can never be replaced, only repaired; there are some irreplaceable things that, if damaged badly enough, can't even be repaired. If Eddie's robo-guts go kamikaze on him, he'll lose all those things and more. Like I said earlier, the biggest "strength" he's got is a lucky streak, and if you stick him in a combat situation then that's all there is keeping him alive. I know, he's gone on two missions with Team Lightyear already and isn't dead yet, but trust me, both times luck was all that saved him. Remember that door thing? If he'd gotten it open, there never would have been a second mission.
Third, the fact that he's a Hornet, built on Planet Z, designed to serve the Evil Emperor Zurg. This isn't a disadvantage for him, really, but a disadvantage to Star Command if we don't get rid of him. Look, everyone keeps saying that he's been reprogrammed and he's perfectly fine and all that, but guess what? Reprogrammings can be reversed! Just because you switched him to our side doesn't mean someone can't switch him back! Shocking idea, isn't it? You already stuck "double agent" in his name, there's no guarantee that he won't end up an agent for Zurg. All that's keeping him loyal to us is one little 1. Every robot's got the "good/evil" number somewhere in its code; I've got one, too. Mine's been switched from 1 to 0; it happened when Nos-4-A2 bit me, and it hasn't been switched back yet. And it'll never need to be, either, because the more complex a robot's personality is, the more complex the matter of "good" and "evil" becomes. Yeah, so I've got one little number flipped to "evil," but the rest of my personality tells me that I'm a Space Ranger, all my friends that I'd do (almost) anything for are Space Rangers, my dad's the Commander of Star Command, and I've got nothing in common with all the crooks and thugs out there except for one dinky little 0. Other than that 1, what about Eddie makes him a Space Ranger? He doesn't have a personality, and his basic programming tells him that he's a Hornet, built on Planet Z, designed to serve the Evil Emperor Zurg. That's a lot of evil weighing down on that 1. All it took for me to break through that 0 was a signed certificate. How much will it take for Eddie?
Personality of E. D. D. A. P.
Come on, haven't we gone over this? He doesn't have a personality! None! Zip, zilch, nada. He is a blank canvas, a tabla rasa, an empty bucket, a complete and utter moron, a hopeless case. He hasn't got enough wattage to light a fridge bulb. He doesn't have enough bytes to store two pixels on his hard drive. He would lose in a game of Pong with himself. He couldn't 5rexcvno567re67dxcjhn
And he's crazy, did I mention that? THAT up there was him hitting me in the back of the head and making me almost fall on the computer. He was just walking by, glanced over my shoulder, and then he HIT me. I leave the gibberish in unedited form, as evidence. What'd I ever do to him to deserve that? Huh? I've never said a bad word about him, have I? Eddie obviously has a temper problem. You know what? He's probably jealous of me. That's why he's trying to be so nice and obedient and everything. He's jealous because, even though he's the robot that the LGMs really wanted to make when they made me and even though they're acting like they like him more than me, and, sure, even if he does have a great shot and he gets his work done faster than me and he's a whole lot bigger than me and even if Mira, whom I like, thinks he's "kinda sweet, in a puppy way," he still knows that I'm really the only true Space Ranger robot and that he'll never replace me. And you can tell him I said that! EDDAP will never replace XR!
Oh yeah. He's definitely jealous of me.
So, I guess he does have a little bit of a personality. I mean, if he can feel jealous, I guess he has to have one. And he's got other weird little quirks. More like obsessions, if you ask me. He really likes superstores, for example. His favorite one is Star-Mart (and if the fact that he likes spending his free time in that low-wage, mass-marketed, impersonal, soulless, corporate behemoth of consumerism doesn't convince you that he's still fundamentally evil, nothing will. The fact that I buy oil there means nothing, I only go for the prices, ask anyone). I don't know if he's bought anything yet, but he likes getting a shopping cart and just wandering up and down the aisles. Have you ever seen a Hornet strolling down the soup aisle with an empty shopping cart? It's creepy. Mira thinks it's "kinda cute." I think that's what Eddie wants us to think.
I think he's scared of storms, too. Or maybe it's just clouds. During our second mission, we were on a world that was partly cloudy, and every time the sun disappeared he curled up on the ground with his knees up at his chin and his arms around his legs. Every time. He probably got into a little ball fifteen times at least. Buzz got so tired of him slowing us down that he told Booster to push him under a tree and leave him there until we finished with the mission. Mira has a theory (isn't she brilliant? She really is, isn't she? And I really am sorry about her hair. It'll grow back!) that he gets scared because Planet Z is solar-powered. If it ever got cloudy there for too long, there would be global power-outages; maybe that's made Eddie paranoid around clouds. Well, if that's true, isn't it just more evidence that he still remembers working for Zurg? Vividly? If he's forming phobias based off conditions on his home planet from before he was even sentient, imagine what else could be coding itself into his new personality!
He may not have much of a personality yet, but what little he's got is nothing but bad news.
Final Assessment of E. D. D. A. P.
Worthless. Potential hazard. Cannon fodder. Need I say more? I'm sure he looks like the best thing since crystalic fusion right now, but don't think that we should start mass-producing robots like Eddie and using them as the new robot Rangers. You've already got a robot Ranger, and I'm far from being obsolete. I'm a million times the Ranger that Eddie could only hope to be. No Hornet knock-off is ever going to replace me.
Right?
Assessment concluded for:
E. D. D. A. P.
Experimental Drone Double Agent Project
Assessment written by:
X. R.
Experimental Ranger
Project Assessment of:
E. D. D. A. P.
Experimental Drone Double Agent Project
(A. K. A. Eddie P.)
Background to E. D. D. A. P.
Okay, first things first, everyone knows Hornets are worthless, right? Right. I mean, who are we kidding, trying to make something useful out of a Hornet? Am I the only one who sees something really wrong in this? Yeah, yeah, I've got to write the report anyway, so here goes. The first REAL battle you put that Hornet in, it'll be blown to smithereens in half the time it takes for me to write this, but who am I to question the oh-so-questionable wisdom of my superiors?
EDDAP is a project the LGMs have wanted to do for a long time now, or so they say. Apparently, they're impressed by the way Zurg can mass-produce all those Hornets; with the rate they're destroyed (a fair percentage of them being blown up by yours truly), the LMGs say Zurg must be putting out thousands a week. Considering that they're robots equipped for battle that even come with (barely) enough AI to follow voice commands, that's pretty impressive. I mean, producing thousands of cereal boxes is one thing, robots are a completely different product.
So the LGMs have been wanting to reverse-engineer a Hornet, to see how they can be produced so quickly and cheaply. (The net worth of Zurg's "empire" is about 3,496 Unibucks, or less than all of Star Command spends on electricity in a week; apparently Planet Z is solar-powered and Zurg steals the rest of his supplies.) They also wanted to see whether Star Command could produce Space Ranger Hornet knock-offs. I'm officially down on the record for saying it's a dumb idea. They aren't very useful for Zurg, why should they be any more useful for us? I repeat: Hornets = worthless.
In fact, that's the reason it's taken the LGMs this long to start EDDAP: they couldn't reverse-engineer a Hornet because they couldn't get their hands on a whole one. They're very delicate little chunks of laser fodder. Plus, Zurg's got some kind of mechanism installed in them so that if (well, when) a Hornet is destroyed, half its internal workings self-destruct. The circuitry, the CPU, the power core, all pulverized. How unlike Zurg, to NOT wave around all the details of one of his weapons.
Unfortunately, I was the one to give the first, last, and hopefully only fully-functional Hornet to the LGMs. See, there was this battle (big surprise) and there was a swarm of Hornets (another surprise) and I was basically kicking robot tush out there. Or, well, shooting robot tush. And maybe Mira and Buzz and Booster helped some, too. Anyway, the point is I somehow hit one indirectly, and just nicked its fuel canister, so it leaked out all its fuel and went off-line. When the rest had been destroyed, that one whole Hornet sitting in a pile of Hornet pieces was pretty conspicuous, so Buzz told Booster to load the thing onto 42. It seems Buzz knew about EDDAP. So the LGMs got their robot carcass to experiment on, and here we are.
Purpose of E. D. D. A. P.
The purpose, like I said, is to have a mass-produced force of robotic Space Rangers, based off of Zurg's Hornets. Except built a little bit better, so they aren't blown up quite as easily. As my existence indicates, the LGMs really want some robo-Rangers. In fact, the only reason they built me and XL was because they didn't have a Hornet yet; if they'd gotten one earlier, they'd have gone ahead with EDDAP and never bothered with the Experimental Ranger program, AKA me. So it's a good thing they never got started with their dumb EDDAP idea, right? Right?
Why am I asking a report if I'm right? I'm sick of this report. And if I wasn't already in trouble for that little fire in the women's room I'd just give up on it now. (Sorry about your hair, Mira.)
Long story short, the LGMs wanted mindless robot Rangers. After they got me, they still wanted that "mindless" part, and that's where Eddie comes in.
Description of E. D. D. A. P.
First of all, Eddie P. doesn't live up to his title at all. He's experimental, all right, and he's a drone, but the "double agent" part's gonna be tricky. The LGMs' first idea was to make exact Hornet duplicates, with programming to follow Star Commands' orders and not Zurg's, and send them to Planet Z as espionage robots. As you can tell from the lovely paint job they gave Eddie, that's not going to work well:
Yeah. No way Zurg's gonna think that's one of his loyal drones.
Eddie's basically the same as any other Hornet out there, with the exception of a few alterations. First and most importantly, the LGMs reprogrammed him to be loyal to the good guys and not the bad guys. According to them, all they needed to do was take the very first 0 in Eddie's binary programming and switch it to a 1, and presto! A good Hornet. (Or, as the LGMs put it, "Reveeerse the polaaarity." Which is about as clear as coal, huh?) Then, they added a supplementary chip to his CPU, the same chip they put in me to make me the wonderful super-robot Ranger that I am: a chip that gives a robot the AI necessary to learn, grow, and develop a personality. Basically, the potential to be smart. I'm hoping that the sheer stupidity radiating from Eddie's main CPU will have a deadly anti-matter reaction with his new smart chip. It would just save us from wasting a little time and a lot of fuel on him.
The other big change the LGMs made was to replace Eddie's weapons with standard Space Ranger lasers, and to strip his armor, create a mold of it, and give him shiny new terillium carbonic alloy armor. I don't know how they got the old armor off and the new armor on without setting off his internal self-destruct. The result is a slightly more durable but still pretty flimsy Hornet with lasers about four times as strong as his old ones.
Strengths of E. D. D. A. P.
Strengths? The only strength he's got going for him is an astounding lucky streak, and I most sincerely hope I used most of his luck up when I accidentally drained his fuel instead of turning him into scrap metal. He's a Hornet. He's suicidally obedient; you say "Jump," he won't even ask "How high?" before turning his thrusters on max. He's a better shot than other Hornets, so he can shoot a target dead center; unfortunately, he hasn't mastered the concept of "friendly fire," so don't expect him to adjust his aim just because you're between him and the target. He's got absolutely no personality and the LGMs haven't even figured out where to put a vocalizer in him yet, so he can't talk.
Okay, fine, I guess those are sorta strengths. Loyalty, good shot, no emotional baggage, and a mean poker face if he ever learns how to do something as complicated as play poker. And he's got his terillium carbonic alloy, too. In fact, I went to the trouble of proving myself that his armor could hold up to standard laser firepower. That's how the fire in the restroom got started.
("Restrooms are off-limits to robots, XR," you say. "That means both the men's room and ESPECIALLY the women's room," you say. "You and I both know that Hornet never would have been in there if you hadn't talked it into going with you," you say. "I don't care what your story is, it did NOT lure you in there and there's NO WAY it attacked you first," you say. "Don't you tell me 'Eddie's a traitor and went back to Zurg's side,' we caught you on camera telling the Hornet there was a Star-Mart in the first stall," you say. "You're lucky I don't order the LGMs to disassemble you and turn you into a toaster for shooting at a fellow Ranger," you say. "Maybe if you have to write the project assessment on that Hornet, you'll get to like it better!" you say. Well, excuuuse me for being useful and trying to make sure my "fellow Ranger" could stand up to combat conditions. What's my reward? This report. Thanks a lot, Dad.)
But forget Eddie's armor. He's still useless. Look, if you want a good robot Ranger, you don't really need all that blind loyalty and a perfect shot and crystal-clear objectivity, do you? It takes more than that to be a Space Ranger. And I've already got what it takes. I'm a great Ranger without any of that stuff. Remember?
Weaknesses of E. D. D. A. P.
FINALLY. The only important part of this whole stupid report. I'm sure I could write two gigs about all the ways Eddie's completely unqualified to be a Space Ranger, but I'll try to keep this brief. I'll stick to three points.
First, the complete and utter lack of anything resembling intelligence. This morning, I kid you not, I caught him with a mop, a pair of scissors, and a roll of duct tape, with all the strings of the mop cut off, tying to tape them back together. Then (here's the kicker) when he saw me, he tried to stand up, and he couldn't because he'd somehow taped one of his legs to his chest. I promise, I am not making this up, Booster saw it too, ask him. And remember his first mission, when he was stuck working with Team Lightyear. He couldn't even be cannon fodder for us because he got stuck inside Star Cruiser 42 and couldn't figure out how to open the door. Talk about useless, am I right?
Second, his literally crippling structural defects. Think about it: sure, he's got terillium carbonic alloy, but so do I, and I get blown up all the time, don't I? (That's not my fault, I should add.) Hornets aren't put together as well; they blow up even easier than me. The problem is, they aren't built to be put back together, like I am. The LGMs couldn't find a way to disable Zurg's self-destruct mechanism. It's completely wired into Eddie's internal structure. If he starts losing limbs or, heck, if he's just knocked around too hard, that'll trigger his self-destruct, and that's the end of Eddie P. There are some things in a robot that can never be replaced, only repaired; there are some irreplaceable things that, if damaged badly enough, can't even be repaired. If Eddie's robo-guts go kamikaze on him, he'll lose all those things and more. Like I said earlier, the biggest "strength" he's got is a lucky streak, and if you stick him in a combat situation then that's all there is keeping him alive. I know, he's gone on two missions with Team Lightyear already and isn't dead yet, but trust me, both times luck was all that saved him. Remember that door thing? If he'd gotten it open, there never would have been a second mission.
Third, the fact that he's a Hornet, built on Planet Z, designed to serve the Evil Emperor Zurg. This isn't a disadvantage for him, really, but a disadvantage to Star Command if we don't get rid of him. Look, everyone keeps saying that he's been reprogrammed and he's perfectly fine and all that, but guess what? Reprogrammings can be reversed! Just because you switched him to our side doesn't mean someone can't switch him back! Shocking idea, isn't it? You already stuck "double agent" in his name, there's no guarantee that he won't end up an agent for Zurg. All that's keeping him loyal to us is one little 1. Every robot's got the "good/evil" number somewhere in its code; I've got one, too. Mine's been switched from 1 to 0; it happened when Nos-4-A2 bit me, and it hasn't been switched back yet. And it'll never need to be, either, because the more complex a robot's personality is, the more complex the matter of "good" and "evil" becomes. Yeah, so I've got one little number flipped to "evil," but the rest of my personality tells me that I'm a Space Ranger, all my friends that I'd do (almost) anything for are Space Rangers, my dad's the Commander of Star Command, and I've got nothing in common with all the crooks and thugs out there except for one dinky little 0. Other than that 1, what about Eddie makes him a Space Ranger? He doesn't have a personality, and his basic programming tells him that he's a Hornet, built on Planet Z, designed to serve the Evil Emperor Zurg. That's a lot of evil weighing down on that 1. All it took for me to break through that 0 was a signed certificate. How much will it take for Eddie?
Personality of E. D. D. A. P.
Come on, haven't we gone over this? He doesn't have a personality! None! Zip, zilch, nada. He is a blank canvas, a tabla rasa, an empty bucket, a complete and utter moron, a hopeless case. He hasn't got enough wattage to light a fridge bulb. He doesn't have enough bytes to store two pixels on his hard drive. He would lose in a game of Pong with himself. He couldn't 5rexcvno567re67dxcjhn
And he's crazy, did I mention that? THAT up there was him hitting me in the back of the head and making me almost fall on the computer. He was just walking by, glanced over my shoulder, and then he HIT me. I leave the gibberish in unedited form, as evidence. What'd I ever do to him to deserve that? Huh? I've never said a bad word about him, have I? Eddie obviously has a temper problem. You know what? He's probably jealous of me. That's why he's trying to be so nice and obedient and everything. He's jealous because, even though he's the robot that the LGMs really wanted to make when they made me and even though they're acting like they like him more than me, and, sure, even if he does have a great shot and he gets his work done faster than me and he's a whole lot bigger than me and even if Mira, whom I like, thinks he's "kinda sweet, in a puppy way," he still knows that I'm really the only true Space Ranger robot and that he'll never replace me. And you can tell him I said that! EDDAP will never replace XR!
Oh yeah. He's definitely jealous of me.
So, I guess he does have a little bit of a personality. I mean, if he can feel jealous, I guess he has to have one. And he's got other weird little quirks. More like obsessions, if you ask me. He really likes superstores, for example. His favorite one is Star-Mart (and if the fact that he likes spending his free time in that low-wage, mass-marketed, impersonal, soulless, corporate behemoth of consumerism doesn't convince you that he's still fundamentally evil, nothing will. The fact that I buy oil there means nothing, I only go for the prices, ask anyone). I don't know if he's bought anything yet, but he likes getting a shopping cart and just wandering up and down the aisles. Have you ever seen a Hornet strolling down the soup aisle with an empty shopping cart? It's creepy. Mira thinks it's "kinda cute." I think that's what Eddie wants us to think.
I think he's scared of storms, too. Or maybe it's just clouds. During our second mission, we were on a world that was partly cloudy, and every time the sun disappeared he curled up on the ground with his knees up at his chin and his arms around his legs. Every time. He probably got into a little ball fifteen times at least. Buzz got so tired of him slowing us down that he told Booster to push him under a tree and leave him there until we finished with the mission. Mira has a theory (isn't she brilliant? She really is, isn't she? And I really am sorry about her hair. It'll grow back!) that he gets scared because Planet Z is solar-powered. If it ever got cloudy there for too long, there would be global power-outages; maybe that's made Eddie paranoid around clouds. Well, if that's true, isn't it just more evidence that he still remembers working for Zurg? Vividly? If he's forming phobias based off conditions on his home planet from before he was even sentient, imagine what else could be coding itself into his new personality!
He may not have much of a personality yet, but what little he's got is nothing but bad news.
Final Assessment of E. D. D. A. P.
Worthless. Potential hazard. Cannon fodder. Need I say more? I'm sure he looks like the best thing since crystalic fusion right now, but don't think that we should start mass-producing robots like Eddie and using them as the new robot Rangers. You've already got a robot Ranger, and I'm far from being obsolete. I'm a million times the Ranger that Eddie could only hope to be. No Hornet knock-off is ever going to replace me.
Right?
Assessment concluded for:
E. D. D. A. P.
Experimental Drone Double Agent Project
Assessment written by:
X. R.
Experimental Ranger
I tend to come up with better ideas when brainstorming with other writers.
